an "ah ha" moment

In the early years of my marriage, fresh off my 4 year indoctrination in feminist sociological thinking, I believed (IN MY BONES) that a man could perform tasks traditionally designated to women and vice versa. Regardless of gender stigma, if you try hard enough...

Flash to now. That was a steep learning curve. Though, I still struggle with giving myself permission to create or do/speak/sing/fill in the blank to be satisfied with whatever comes out of me without judgement. I am CONSTANTLY what if-ing and should-ing and and and. I don't just want to survive my life, I want to enjoy it. I continue to create my own suffering and WHY? I want to be not only satisfied, but happy. H.A.P.P.Y.

I am capable of seeing beauty in the world, in imperfection, in the small moments throughout everyday. I just can't give myself a compliment. I only see what is lacking, how it could be better had I done this or not done that. My father wasn't the father I deserved, but he was the father I had. I was angry for so many years. I wanted him to work harder, notice more, pay attention to me, talk to me. Instead of realizing he was doing the best he could with what he had, I saw how he could have done so much more/better.

Similarly, my mother failed me on so many levels. I was so infuriated that no one could tell me about my early childhood. My mother simply could not but I punished her for it for years. I so badly wanted to know what it was like to be held and known through the eyes of my mother. I became so obsessed with this hole in my life--I had this insatiable thirst and she continually let me down. I wanted those memories, those pieces of our life together back. I was so blinded by her limitations, I could never be satisfied with the person she is now. I thought if I pushed her hard enough, she would unlock her secrets. I felt she wasn't working hard enough, that it was all there but she just wasn't invested enough.

Are you sensing a pattern?

While at therapy today my therapist had an interesting observation. I was describing my fathers' internalized voice, telling me nothing was ever good enough, etc.She stopped me cold. Jess said," I am hearing how your father wasn't good enough-didn't try hard enough; your mother could have worked harder, dug deeper to recall those memories. I also know you've been given that feedback from your father all your life."

I stole myself, feeling an ache that I didn't know existed. I never let myself grieve. I didn't have permission. And now, I measure myself against nothing less than perfection. I expected everyone to do more, do it better. Though I forgave them, rationalizing that they were doing their very best with what they had, I failed to forgive myself.

So I guess this is what they mean by an "AH HA" moment. What now?